Saturday: 1:00pm
Where are we going? Oh, the kitchen, to get my bottle? Foolish parent. Don't you know it's Saturday? Mommy is home. You may not think I understood this, but I know she was on call last weekend and now that she's here, I'm going to make the most of it.
Alright, we're in my room now. You've given me warm milk and turned on the sleep sheep. I hope you know that laying me down in my cradle with warm milk and soothing ocean sounds may have worked in the past, but not today, buddy. That's right. Go ahead. Shut the door and go out to the living room to watch your precious episode of Top Gear while I down this bottle of milk. I'm going to get your hopes up by being quiet, lull you into a false sense of security, and then blow your little mind.
(5 minutes pass)
Oh, look who's back? It's Papa. That's right. Pick me up and give me a kiss. Cradle me and put me down in the crib on my back. Where's my blanket? Ah, very good, you didn't forget. That's right, go ahead and leave. Now I'll just sit back and (yawn) bide my time.
(5 minutes pass)
Wah, what? Damn! I let that fat bastard lull me to sleep. Well, it's time to let him know that that crap ain't gonna fly on a Saturday afternoon with Mama home.
I'll start off soft. Yeah, that's the ticket. Soft and quiet with a few little whimpers of discontent. Let him think I'm just turning over or kicking off my blanket. From there I'll take a solid 5 minutes to work myself into a wailing frenzy.
(5 minutes pass. Significant teeth clenching in the living room occurs.)
That's right. I can hear the two of you arguing. You want to come get me, but you're still going to try to wait it out. Idiots. For that insolence I'm going to up the ante. Here comes 10 minutes of contented babble. I'm going to make you think I'm playing. And then I'll play my trump card - 5 minutes of pure, unadulterated silence.
(15 minutes pass)
I can still hear you, you fools! Listen to you! Talking about the morning's trip to the Ferry Building and the upcoming visit with Grandma and Grandpa this afternoon. The two of you sound so content. It's almost as if you're savoring this time you have without me. Well, I'll soon put an end to your ignorant delusions. Here it comes. I'm gonna scream at the top of my lungs until you burst through the door thinking I've given myself a hernia or contracted appendicitis.
(7.5 excruciating minutes pass)
Ha-ha! Look who's come skulking into my room. It's Papa. And he's picking me up. Excellent. Papa - please understand that it hurts me to say this - for a man with so much supposed experience and learning you really are quite easy to manipulate. Honestly, why don't you challenge me a bit. After all, I'm 16 months old now!
These parents of mine need to get craftier and I can absolutely guarantee that they're not going to do so without some serious tutoring on my part. I can already tell that they'll try to put me down again around 3:00 or 3:30 before Grandma and Grandpa come. Let it be known I'm not going down. And if they try again halfway through the visit, bollocks to that! I'll wail from the very start. They'll be lucky if they get 5 minutes alone in the living room!
Honestly, it's not that I "enjoy" inflicting such pain on them, but they're ignorant. They need to learn. It's not my fault I can't talk yet. This is the only way I can show them the error of their ways. They'll just have to hang tough until they get their act together. I'm more than willing to wait.
Oh, and at dinner, just to mix things up again, I think I'll put some udon noodles in my hair. That will keep them perplexed for a bit.
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