MessMaker 5000 - The Final Word in Filth

Nearly two years ago, around mid-May 2010, Sumie and I received our first MessMaker 5000.  We'd considered getting one shortly after we got married, but ended up waiting about four years before moving forward.  When we finally decided to go ahead with the purchase, we were both excited and anxious.  I suppose the waiting period does that to you.  A lot of thoughts go through your head over 9 months.  Will it actually destroy as much as I've heard?  Is it a life changer?  Can I really not do without something that will almost assuredly put a fist through my vintage speakers? 

When we first received our MessMaker 5000, I was a bit confused by its performance.  Our model didn't seem to make much of a mess - it could only filthify itself and anything within a 2-foot radius - but it sure as hell was loud.  It was also very distracting.  Every 2-3 hours it would go off, demanding milk.  And it was expensive!  I suppose I fell prey to the same marketing plan everyone else does.  "MessMaker 5000 - Yours for only one night of fun and no money down!"  I have to admit, the initial investment was negligible.  But good lord, after only two months of use, I was shelling out money left and right.  In NYC the going rate for MessMaker upkeep was $1,700 per month.  And that was basic service.  We had friends who had gone with in-home MessMaker maintenance and it was costing them upwards of $3,600 a month.  Granted, they didn't have to drop off their MessMaker in the morning and pick it up at night, but man, that's a lot of money for something that does little more than vomit milk on your shirt from time to time. 

After about a year our MessMaker became mobile.  As the months went by and the MessMaker learned to stand, open cupboards, unspool toilet paper, drool aggressively, and produce noxious waste, we really began to get our money's worth.  As promised, our home became shabbier and shabbier while the MessMaker grew ever louder, curious, and violent.  Now, at nearly two years into MessMaker ownership, I think we're finally starting to experience full filth mode. 

Like all MessMaker 5000s, ours requires constant distraction in order to operate at peak efficiency.  The other day this meant I had to set up a wooden railway.  I suppose this was required so that the MessMaker could place each piece of track in a different room of the house and the individual cars could be hidden in the kitchen, bedroom closet, and toilet.  Anyway, that's what happened.  Our MessMaker is a bit quirky and prefers to destroy vintage toys over new ones.  Note the 1960s packaging.  Perhaps our MessMaker fancies itself a modern Sally Draper. 

All MessMakers are inherently creative.  Perhaps that's why so many households have one.  Here, our MessMaker has found a new way to create filth: feeding ham to inanimate objects. 

One of the primary ways MessMakers create filth is by demanding something, playing with it for 2 minutes, and then abandoning it.  Now, this wouldn't be such a big deal if the owner could immediately put the item away.  But MessMakers are programed against that kind of rational behavior.  Once something has been brought out, even if it's not being played with, it must stay out for a minimum of 4 hours or the MessMaker will revert to tantrum mode.  As a result of this programming, our living room looks like this...

our hallway like this...

and the MessMaker's storage facility like this.

Below you can see our MessMaker in action, examining a car and determining the optimal place where it will cause serious injury. 

Occasionally, the MessMaker will take a break to do something seemingly constructive.  Here ours is drawing at the kitchen table. 

MessMakers are specifically designed to look cute when completing simple tasks, so don't be too taken in.  When I saw my MessMaker scribbling at the kitchen table this morning my heart melted.  But that's just what it wanted.  5 minutes later, when I removed the MessMaker from the table, I found 1,500 pen marks gouged into the kitchen table.  Yes, the MessMaker cunningly balances filth with cuteness.  This enables it to destroy your belongings with impunity.  I have to admit, it's a rather ingenious strategy.  

Those without a MessMaker in the home may think that one is more than enough, but amazingly, most people who purchase one MessMaker eventually end up getting another.  Even Sumie and I, despite our MessMaker 5000's tremendous reliability when it comes to destroying our home, are considering investing in a second one.  Foolish, I know, given that MessMakers tend to outlive their owners and only grow more expensive with each passing year.  Still, there's something very endearing about the MessMaker line of products.  I think it's that darn cuddle factor they've programmed in.  There really is no getting around it, no matter how filthy your living room may get.