MessMaker 5000 - The Final Word in Filth

Nearly two years ago, around mid-May 2010, Sumie and I received our first MessMaker 5000.  We'd considered getting one shortly after we got married, but ended up waiting about four years before moving forward.  When we finally decided to go ahead with the purchase, we were both excited and anxious.  I suppose the waiting period does that to you.  A lot of thoughts go through your head over 9 months.  Will it actually destroy as much as I've heard?  Is it a life changer?  Can I really not do without something that will almost assuredly put a fist through my vintage speakers? 

When we first received our MessMaker 5000, I was a bit confused by its performance.  Our model didn't seem to make much of a mess - it could only filthify itself and anything within a 2-foot radius - but it sure as hell was loud.  It was also very distracting.  Every 2-3 hours it would go off, demanding milk.  And it was expensive!  I suppose I fell prey to the same marketing plan everyone else does.  "MessMaker 5000 - Yours for only one night of fun and no money down!"  I have to admit, the initial investment was negligible.  But good lord, after only two months of use, I was shelling out money left and right.  In NYC the going rate for MessMaker upkeep was $1,700 per month.  And that was basic service.  We had friends who had gone with in-home MessMaker maintenance and it was costing them upwards of $3,600 a month.  Granted, they didn't have to drop off their MessMaker in the morning and pick it up at night, but man, that's a lot of money for something that does little more than vomit milk on your shirt from time to time. 

After about a year our MessMaker became mobile.  As the months went by and the MessMaker learned to stand, open cupboards, unspool toilet paper, drool aggressively, and produce noxious waste, we really began to get our money's worth.  As promised, our home became shabbier and shabbier while the MessMaker grew ever louder, curious, and violent.  Now, at nearly two years into MessMaker ownership, I think we're finally starting to experience full filth mode. 

Like all MessMaker 5000s, ours requires constant distraction in order to operate at peak efficiency.  The other day this meant I had to set up a wooden railway.  I suppose this was required so that the MessMaker could place each piece of track in a different room of the house and the individual cars could be hidden in the kitchen, bedroom closet, and toilet.  Anyway, that's what happened.  Our MessMaker is a bit quirky and prefers to destroy vintage toys over new ones.  Note the 1960s packaging.  Perhaps our MessMaker fancies itself a modern Sally Draper. 

All MessMakers are inherently creative.  Perhaps that's why so many households have one.  Here, our MessMaker has found a new way to create filth: feeding ham to inanimate objects. 

One of the primary ways MessMakers create filth is by demanding something, playing with it for 2 minutes, and then abandoning it.  Now, this wouldn't be such a big deal if the owner could immediately put the item away.  But MessMakers are programed against that kind of rational behavior.  Once something has been brought out, even if it's not being played with, it must stay out for a minimum of 4 hours or the MessMaker will revert to tantrum mode.  As a result of this programming, our living room looks like this...

our hallway like this...

and the MessMaker's storage facility like this.

Below you can see our MessMaker in action, examining a car and determining the optimal place where it will cause serious injury. 

Occasionally, the MessMaker will take a break to do something seemingly constructive.  Here ours is drawing at the kitchen table. 

MessMakers are specifically designed to look cute when completing simple tasks, so don't be too taken in.  When I saw my MessMaker scribbling at the kitchen table this morning my heart melted.  But that's just what it wanted.  5 minutes later, when I removed the MessMaker from the table, I found 1,500 pen marks gouged into the kitchen table.  Yes, the MessMaker cunningly balances filth with cuteness.  This enables it to destroy your belongings with impunity.  I have to admit, it's a rather ingenious strategy.  

Those without a MessMaker in the home may think that one is more than enough, but amazingly, most people who purchase one MessMaker eventually end up getting another.  Even Sumie and I, despite our MessMaker 5000's tremendous reliability when it comes to destroying our home, are considering investing in a second one.  Foolish, I know, given that MessMakers tend to outlive their owners and only grow more expensive with each passing year.  Still, there's something very endearing about the MessMaker line of products.  I think it's that darn cuddle factor they've programmed in.  There really is no getting around it, no matter how filthy your living room may get. 

Perfect Fried Chicken, Perfect Weekend

We all look forward to weekends.  It's just how we work.  But, far too often, those two days we look forward to all week are either squandered in a binge of TV or packed so full of errands and events that by the time Sunday comes again we're even more tired than when we started.  This last weekend, though, Sumie, Mimi, and I managed to strike a perfect balance of family, fun, and getting things done. 

Thanks to Mimi, Saturday started off early.  Despite our initial groggy objections, we were glad Mimi set her alarm for 7:30.  We had family coming that evening and a lot to get through before they arrived. 

After pancakes - cooked by Papa - we headed out to get groceries.  We were putting together a pot-luck and Sumie and I were in charge of the Japanese fried chicken, our specialty.  Between our shopping stops we checked in at the Salvation Army store on Geary, a virtual must for me at least once a week.  There we found a beautiful, Japanese-style coffee table.  Low and relatively square (3ft x 4ft), with space underneath for your legs, Sumie couldn't do without it.  She'd humored me and my American-style coffee table long enough.  Luckily, the table was priced right and the store was having a 50% off sale.  I snapped it up and asked them to set it aside for a few hours.  We finished up our shopping with a stop at Safeway, and then I jumped into the BMW wagon to pick up our purchase.  I love that wagon.  It took only a few minutes to get the car ready and, once the seats were down, the table fit without a hitch. 

Table brought up the stairs, it was time to rearrange the living room.  This also lead to swapping out the hope chest from the library side of the living room with the old coffee table, repositioning the old Coney Island pinball, moving the hope chest to the bedroom, shifting the dresser in the bedroom to the other wall, and finishing it all off with a nice cold Coke.  It's amazing how one relatively small table can result in a complete re-assessment of all the household furniture.  We're genuinely happy with the changes, though.  By the time Mimi was napping, we felt the house had become a little bit more our very own. 

Sumie's brother and sister came over with their families around 6:30 or so.  I'd already finished off the first go on a batch of double-fried french fries and was in the midst of our chicken karage (Japanese fried chicken).  Sumie and I have been making these delicious chicken nuggets for years.  We're famous for it and while it always got rave reviews, we never felt we'd really nailed it.  The flavor had always been there, but the texture was never quite right.  I'm happy to say that this weekend we had a chicken breakthrough.  Here's how we did it.  This is my first time sharing this recipe, but I finally feel I can because I think we've finally gotten it right!

Ingredients:

• 2lbs of chicken thighs (Boneless.  Skin on is preferable, but not necessary)
• Cooking Sake
• Garlic
• Ginger (if you wish)
• Soy Sauce
• Salt and Pepper
• Cornstarch

Not that much, huh?  And here's how you put it together.  The measurements aren't exact - we've always done this by sight - so it may take a few batches until you get a feel for it.

1. Cut thigh meat into chunks roughly 1x1x2; place into a glass bowl
2. Wet chicken with cooking sake; fill bowl until sake height reaches about 2/3 of the chicken
3. Medium chop 5-6 cloves of garlic; add to bowl
4. Add a dash of soy sauce (about a table spoon)
5. Add several pinches of salt and pepper
6. Set bowl aside at let sit for an hour or two
7. After chicken has marinated, drain off any excess/standing marinade and add several table spoons of cornstarch.  Mix by hand until chicken is evenly and lightly coated.  Mixture will still be wet.
8. Now, in the past I'd fry right then and there.  But here's the trick that really made it come out.
9. Take a large plate and cover it liberally with cornstarch; mix in some significant pinches of salt and pepper for flavor.
10. Remove the chicken from the bowl piece by piece and lay out on the cornstarch plate with plenty of room between pieces.  Coat each piece with cornstarch and then shake off any excess.  Set pieces aside.  Each piece should look relatively dry, though we spots can still show through.  You don't want too much dried cornstarch on there.  
11. Bring a deep pan of oil up to fry temperature.  I think this is around 325 or 350 degrees, but I'm not really sure.  I've always used cheap wooden chopsticks to test.  Dip the end of the chopsticks in and press against the bottom of the pan.  If you see bubbles coming up from the chopsticks, the temp is just about right.  Put the stove on medium to medium high heat and get ready to fry.
12. Add some of the chicken to the oil.  Don't try to fry it all at once.  The oil temp will drop.  Stir chicken occasionally to make sure it doesn't stick.  Fry time will be about 5-8 minutes.  Pull out the largest piece and cut in half to check if the batch is done.  
13. Remove chicken from oil and set on a rack, paper towel, or lettuce.  
14. Serve hot to friends.  It will not last.  

This is the recipe and process I followed and, for the first time, our chicken had not only the taste, but also the look and texture of our favorite Japanese restaurants.  Hooray!

OK, that was a major digression.  Back to the party.  Shu and his wife brought a wonderful salad while Kae and Eddie brought pasta, cake, and the makings for California Rolls.  These Eddie made from scratch.  They were fantastic.  Here's a full view of the spread. 

The kids were excited to be together again, but the food was so good that they were still able to gather round the table.  At least for a few minutes. 

They were soon joined by their parents. 

Haruki, Kae and Eddie's newest addition, was the star of the night.  A perfect gentleman, he did nothing more than whimper.  He's the opposite of Mimi at that age.

The kids made the most of their playtime together.  We read...

we played pinball...

and there were many spontaneous games of ring around the rosie. 

Everyone stayed up until almost 11:00.  Mimi finally collapsed around midnight, Sumie and I a few minutes after.  So, it's no surprise that we all slept in until 10:00 on Sunday. 

And that sleeping in set the stage for the perfect second half of our weekend.  We balanced our busy Saturday with a quiet Sunday.  A friend of mine came by for a visit - we went out for burgers - and Mimi and Sumie hit the park for an hour or so.  We topped off our strenuous Sunday outings with afternoon naps.

By the time Sumie and I headed for bed that Sunday night, we knew we'd had a wonderful weekend.  The house was clean, we'd spent time with family and friends, and we were ready for the week ahead.  You can't really ask for more.