Mimi, like all girls her age, falls over constantly. 90% of the time she picks herself up, dusts herself off, and continues on her way. But every once in a while, when she gets a little hurt or a little scared, she lets her displeasure known. And when Mimi's displeased, she makes sure that everyone within a 10 block radius knows it. She's quite adept at getting her point across, but this, unfortunately, comes with unintended consequences. Passersby tend to feel sympathy for the screamer, but very little affection for the screamer's keeper.
As a man walking the streets of San Francisco alone with a baby, I can't help but feel I'm constantly being evaluated. Yes, men have been emancipated to a certain degree when it comes to child care, but our abilities are still very much, believe me, in question. When Mimi is in cute mode, kicking back in her stroller and saying "Hi!" to every dog she sees, I'm a champion father. When she's kicking and screaming, I get looks that seem to say, "Shouldn't you be locked away awaiting your war crimes trial?" And when Mimi takes a small tumble at the park - me being the only man surrounded by mothers - I may as well be the bastard child of Stalin and Joan Rivers.
Our trip to the park did not begin well. We stopped by the coffee shop to say "Hi" to Mama, who had left the house to study in peace. 2 minutes into our visit Mimi decided that she wanted to "borrow" the reading materials from everyone in the shop. This did not go over well, so I packed her back into the stroller and set out for the park. As Mimi wailed, I walked out the door, my head held low. Half-way down the block a woman stopped in her tracks and simply stared at Mimi, slowly pivoting, and then shaking, her head as we ambled past. Mimi screamed her way to the park, exchanging shouts of anger for squeals of joy once the playground equipment came into view.
Once there, Mimi played quite well. She started off with the slides and, of course, a few trips through the yellow tunnel.
The outing was going well. I'm still a bit shy when it comes to talking to other parents (I'm a bit of an introvert and not that good at small talk), but this time I was actually having good conversations with several of the parents. I was feeling comfortable, confident. Maybe I could be seen as a good parent, despite my gender handicap. And that's when Mimi decided to take a tumble.
Mimi had climbed out of the sandpit, which has a six inch ledge, and then decided that she wanted to get back in, only this time riding the scooter of one of her playmates. I managed to stop her the first 6 times, but on her seventh attempt, she succeeded. Baby and scooter tumbled into the sandpit.
The tumble was minor, she'd been though far worse without complaint, but it must have scared the dickens out of her. Sand in her mouth and tears in her eyes, Mimi let forth a shriek - one cannot even classify it as a mere shout, scream, or cry - that was picked up on seismological equipment as far as Malaysia.
The mothers there with me, rather than being judgmental, were actually very helpful and kind. They even congratulated me for calming her down so quickly (I had to use milk). But, as I left the park, I couldn't help but feel I'd let all the other stay-at-home dads here in San Francisco, and across the country, down. That's why, despite the embarrassment, I had to blog about it.
One of my biggest challenges with being a stay-at-home dad has been a constant anxiety of being judged. Part of this, I think, comes from me wanting to prove that men can do this parenting thing just as well as women, but I think it also stems from my own insecurity when it comes to doing right by Mimi. It's not that I want to assuage her every frustration or protect her from every danger - she'll never really learn to be independent that way - I just want to guide her the best I can so that she can continue to walk her own path. And not scream too much along the way!
1 comment:
Ok, so while this was hilarious (I laughed out loud several times and the phrase "war crimes trial" won't leave my brain") i feel the need to respond to the more serious note here.
First of all, the only opinions that really matter are yours, your wife's and Mimi's. and while she can't quite succinctly answer this, the fact that she's thriving bodes really well.
Secondly, I find that when I'm worried about what random people think, it's usually because I was already insecure about this. I find it helps me to ask myself if it would be fair for me to judge someone else based on 30 seconds of seeing/encountering them. When that makes me laugh and shake my head, then I can write off the person who just judged me based on the same (and give them a rude hand gesture in my head).
Toddlers fall, it's what they have to do. It's actually part of their motor development. So, don't be embarrassed! Think about the lessons she learned today, and more importantly, think about the lessons she learns from you and Sumie every day. That men can be caretakers, that women can have high powered careers, that she can trust you both to be there for her if the world gets scary, and that even if she is screaming her head off down the path she finds, you will love her.
Chin up - one tooth brushing and all that sand'll be gone :)
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