Non-bearded, Pudgy White Man Claims San Francisco Residency

Relocation Adjustment Therapy - San Francisco (RATS)
Transcript: New Client Meeting - Friday, August 12th
Client:  Steven Kemp

RATS Agent: Welcome to San Francisco, Mr. Kemp.  Or shall I call you Steven?  Steve?  Maybe we should start with a hug.

Steve: Yeah, um, sure.  (Hugs Agent).  Steve is fine. 

RATS: That's great, Steve-o.  So glad we got that settled.  And I'm so happy to begin working with you on settling here in occasionally sunny San Francisco.

Steve:  Thanks.  Like I put on my application, I just moved from New York City and I'm having a little difficulty making the adjustment to San Francisco.  I was hoping that you could help.

RATS: New Yorkers can be particularly difficult to re-educate, but I'll do my best.  You weren't living in Brooklyn by any chance, were you?  That would make the process much easier. 

Steve: No, Manhattan.  Upper East Side.

RATS:  OK.  OK.... um.... Can I be honest with you, Steve?  I've never dealt with an Upper East Sider.  I've only been with RATS for 8 years now.  We usually funnel the Manhattanites, and most of the Texans, to our more experienced staff.

Steve: Maybe I won't be too tough.  I'm originally a Nor-Cal kid.  20 years.

RATS:  Have you ever used the term "hella" as an intensifier?

Steve:  Of course.  I was hella good at it.  Even used "hecka" when I was in Junior High.

RATS: Good.  Alright, maybe I can do this.  We'll only be dealing in stereotypes to begin with, so it shouldn't be too tough.  Let's start with the basics.  I see you're still wearing a black shirt, and a button-down one at that.

Steve: Is that a problem?

RATS: Unless you're a Goth, yes.  But don't worry.  This happens all the time.  We'll give you a flannel and several sweatshirts branded with local microbreweries before you go.  You can accessorize with either Birkenstocks or a hemp necklace.

Steve: I'll take the hemp necklace.  My wife doesn't allow Birkenstocks.

RATS: No problem.  Now, it says here that you're 34 years old and currently unemployed.  And yet you don't have any facial hair.

Steve: I'm a stay-at-home dad.  And I'm writing whenever I can.  Regarding the facial hair, it just doesn't work on me.  I end up looking like a fat cross between Charles Manson and Macauly Culkin.

RATS: I suppose you can get by.  You'll just need to dress down a bit more.  Try wearing some ripped jeans.  OK, next I'm going to ask you a few questions to get a better idea of your "San Franciscaness."  Do you like fog?

Steve: I do, actually.  I'm not a fan of the heat and I don't mind cloudy days.

RATS:  That's great.  How do you feel about hybrid cars?

Steve: I know this will count against me, but I don't really care for them.  They take more energy to manufacture and many people who buy them end up driving more than they would with a regular car.

RATS: Ouch.  That's bad.  Close to blasphemy.  But there may be a way out.  How do you feel about bio-diesel? 

Steve: That I like.  It amazes me just how many people have converted their vintage Mercedes 240ds to run on it.  I've even thought of getting one myself, but I doubt my wife would ever let me.

RATS: Phew.  We made it through that one.  You said you have a wife?  Is she Asian by any chance?

Steve:  Yes, she is.

RATS:  That's a point on the plus side.  So, can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese?

Steve: Neither.  My wife is Japanese. 

RATS: Oh...  Well, that changes things a bit.  We have a Japan-town, but the Japanese population here is pretty small.  You at least know how to use chopsticks then, right.

Steve: Right.

RATS: Good.  Every little bit helps.  Now, I'm going to ask you some multiple choice questions we've compiled specifically for New Yorkers coming to San Francisco.  The answers are numbered.  The lower the number, the more you're like a New Yorker.  The higher the number, the more you're like a San Franciscan.  Get it?

Steve: Yeah.  Go ahead.

RATS: You're in a grocery store.  The clerk says hello.  You respond in kind.  He then asks you how you're doing.  You...

1. Get offended because it's none of his business and immediately feel he has some ulterior motive
2. Respond with "Fine." 
3. Respond quickly, but ask the same question to the clerk in return
4. Tell him about your entire day, your family, and your hopes for the future

Steve: I'd have to say it's somewhere between 1 and 2.  More likely 1.

RATS: Alright.  Something for us to work on there.  Next question.  You come to a four-way stop.  Someone has stopped just before you did.  He sits there for 20 seconds before waving you forward.  You...

1. Cannot even begin to contemplate the idiocy of this man
2. Are thankful that at least you didn't have to wait any longer
3. Wave and say, "Thank You"
4. Refuse to move and instead wave him through the intersection

Steve: When I first got here I was a 1, but now I'm definitely a 2.

RATS: Excellent!  OK, last question for this section.  This is a difficult one.  There is a pervasive homelessness problem in San Francisco.  You feel the solution is to...

1. Import Rudy Giuliani and just get it over with
2. Strengthen the loitering laws
3. Increase funding for social services and shelters
4. Force supermarkets to provide the homeless with a shopping cart upgrade every two years, just like other companies do with cell phones.

Steve: I'm afraid that's a number 1.

RATS: It looks like we have a long way to go, but don't worry, we'll get there.  Last question, do you have a recent picture of your daughter?

Steve: Yeah, sure:

RATS: Of all the pictures you have of your daughter, why this one? 

Steve: Well, she's holding a bowl that I used to use as a kid and I needed to find a way to work it into my blog.

RATS: I see.  I think we'll need to meet again in the near future.  I'll have more questions for you and you can update me on your progress.  It's going to be a long and sometimes arduous process, but you'll get there.

Steve: Thank you for your help today.

RATS: My pleasure.  Don't forget your sweatshirts on the way out.  Oh, and can I interest you in a "CO-EXIST" bumper sticker.

Steve: No.  No, thank you.  I think it's still a bit early for that.